Sunday, February 22, 2009

my bags are packed, but I'm not ready to go



I've struggled for weeks now to know what to say and how to say it, and even as I'm typing I have a lump in my throat. This week was a sad week for us, it was our last week in San Diego. As many of you know, Dan was unexpectedly laid off from his job with Merrill Lynch a few weeks ago. It was quite a blow considering how much effort went in to our move here which we had anticipated and planned to be a long term thing, and now only lasted a few months. We were in San Diego just long enough to discover we really love it here, long enough to make it hard to leave. Needless to say life doesn't always go according to plan and although we've worked relentlessly the last few weeks in the job hunt, we find ourselves empty handed. We've had marvelous contacts and generous people who went to bat for us, but unless you've been living under the rock the last year, you know that the job market, especially in the financial world, is dismal these days. As much as we wanted to stay in California, I guess it wasn't meant to be. 

Of course we are sad, disappointed, frustrated, and scared. These feelings come naturally and easily in times and situations as these. It has been hard, and the future remains uncertain.
So now we are here at the crossroads, a crossroads that has come much to quickly and leads us ambivalently down a new path. We'll be headed back home to Utah tomorrow to live with our family until all this gets sorted out and Dan finds a new job-which will hopefully be soon. These last weeks have been perhaps the most emotionally challenging of my life. I've felt a nauseous all day today as the reality of all this really sunk in, yet I have continually reminded myself there are many situations we could be in that I wouldn't trade these current circumstances for. I keep telling myself, at least there is a solution to our problem, and once it comes-life will go on as usual and I won't have to live with the worry I now have day in and day out. Things could be worse, and I have so much to be grateful for.

These last few weeks have taught me so much about what is really important and have been an interesting opportunity to realize what I want for our family, and what we really need in life to be happy. At the end of the day the recipe for happiness is so simple, yet it eludes so many of us. I just want to take this opportunity to thank our families, friends old+new (who have been so amazing through all of this), and my Heavenly Father. We've already been blessed profoundly through this and I know someday I will look back and see how much we grew as a family because of this experience.

But right now is not someday. Right now is hard. Right now is filled with an aching heart, and moving boxes (not again)! Right now means giving up on a life we thought we were starting here. Right now means mourning a lost opportunity, and right now means preparing to move home. I'm trying not to let these sad moments sneak up on me, but in between the happiness that comes from a joyful new baby who is smiling and giggling at you constantly, having time to spend with the ones you love, and trying to enjoy the beach and beautiful San Diego as much as we can before we leave, the ugly moments often do. 

I tell you this not to elicit sympathy, or words of hope, but to share with you one of the most important things I have learned through all this; It is okay, when life is not perfect. In fact, most of life is not perfect, and it rarely turns out as you'd planned. I'm usually all to guilty of working hard to make sure everything is the the way it is supposed to be. But the truth is, this whole operation is far too much work, and makes it even harder when you find yourself in circumstances that weren't supposed to be, like we are in now. If you don't believe me, then read this. It's hard for me to let people in when I can't put on a happy face, but I'm learning that's okay, and sharing my worries make them easier to bear. I'm learning that I am never alone. 

So friends, family, and all you lurking in the anonymity of cyberspace, thanks for being there to help me take this scary next step, and taking it with me. Thanks for reminding me to remember this is just a small moment, and through experiences like this, we find out what is at the center of our self, and who we really are. 


23 comments:

Katie said...

Oh Caitlin... thank you for sharing. It is an oddly beautiful thing when we open with one another about the struggles we go through. (I hope that makes sense) The older I get the less I know... and the more imperfect I become (and our family, and our marriage... etc... etc...) But, like that speech- I am becoming more of the person I am 'supposed' to be and want to be. I admire you and Dan for your courage- to get up, wipe the dust off, and keep going. I feel like- we are all doing the same in some way. Life is hard. I love you and admire you and your strength. You are right, you have much to be grateful for... a wonderful husband and a beautiful baby. Hang in there... and we pray for you daily... You may not be so excited to see us.. but we can't wait to see you!!!

Jill said...

This really is life in a nutshell. I'm really thinking of you guys a lot, and I'm hoping our paths cross again very soon!

I loved this post Cait. Thanks for sharing.

chudlove said...

I am going to cry! We were so excited for you guys to come down to Cali and now you're leaving, tear. I know it's hard now, but just wait in about two months you'll be somewhere maybe in a gas station or even in a public restroom and it will just hit you that you are where you're supposed to be in life. Life just works that way and Heavenly Father lets us know at the most strange but real moments in life. So think of me when you have that moment, because trust me it will come and feel so good.

Julia said...

I loved this post too, and like Jill, I have been thinking about you a lot lately.

We miss you guys so much, and I hope you know how much your friendship means to me. You helped me through one of the roughest times of my life, and I will always be grateful for that.

You are in my prayers.

Kathryn said...

Hey friend. Well written post. And so true.

It will all work out. It will. I promise.

xo

Kellie said...

you've got a good attitude. things will work out. i wish you the best of luck on the job search.

Sam, Jules and Tucker said...

Life is so funny how it never turns out the way you plan and then when you do the thing that you do you can't imagine life any other way....(if that makes sense!) I bet that something great will come up in Utah and you'll be so happy that you're there for it. We love you guys and loved seeing you a few times last week. I'm so bummed that we didn't get around to taking pictures. We were planning on calling you to do it and we just got busy. But we already can't wait to get together again. Hang in there and let us know if we can to anything to help you guys. Tucker misses Winston :( we miss you guys :( Hopefully we'll see you soon!

Nate&Bobbi said...

Caitlin, I absolutley love you guys and am so grateful for the chance to meet you and become friends. It's sad to see you go so soon, but we will see you in a few months. I just know things will work out. Take care. You're in my prayers.

JT and Lizzie Davis said...

Oh no! I'm so sorry. This economy is so bizarre.

Enjoy your time in Utah & with family, that sounds really lovely.

Emily said...

Hi Caitlin - I'm so sorry to hear about all this difficulty you guys are experiencing right now. Last year I called of my engagement 6 days before the wedding and moved away from New York, in the same week. I had lived there for 8.5 years and thought I would stay there forever. I didn't know which way was up when I left. I didn't know who I was or what I could become. I couldn't sleep, or even breathe, I was so devastated. I thought the world had ended. And actually, the sun kept rising and setting. And bit by bit, I figured a few things out. Now, almost 8 months later, I can look back with a little perspective and see how far I've come.

I can't imagine how sad you are to leave or how scary it would be to lose your job right now. I can only imagine what great things are ahead for your and lovely family. I hope for good things for you.

Emily
http://elr215.blogspot.com/

Sine family said...

I'm so sorry things worked out his way but I'm so proud of you and your good attitude. I know we've talked a lot about this and one thing always comes to mind and that is that the Lord knows best and he is in the details. I love and miss you guys. Hopefully we'll see each other again soon.

Brynn and Jesse said...

I'm so sorry to hear this! You guys will definitely be in our thoughts and prayers. At least maybe we will get to see you more often.

Brooke said...

That's really hard. Steve and I have gone through some rough times, but one thing I've learned is that it never lasts too long. So this is really truly only a season. As you said it will pass and before you know it things will be back on track.

And if nothing else, when it does get back on track you will be that much more appreciative and grateful, I know I have learned that. :)

Lauren said...

I agree with everything you said. Good luck figuring out the 'next step'. It is really a process that never ends.... I miss you every time I drop the kids off in primary. Maybe our paths will cross again now?

I love the photo's of Winston in the tub. He has the most amazing eyes. He is not the skinny little boy I remember. He looks so healthy and happy:)

wendyhcd said...

oh Caitlin, i'm so sorry. that sounds really stressful, but i can tell you are handling everything as well as can be expected. you're an amazing person with a beautiful family, and i know the Lord is watching out for you. i'll keep you guys in my prayers and have my fingers crossed for Dan's job search.

Molly said...

Very well written Cait. My heart aches for you. I know how excited you were to start that adventure in San Diego. I am glad that this experience has helped you gain some perspective as to what is really important and if it has brought you and your family closer than it will be worth it... that still doesn't make it easy though. If there is anything I can do, let me know. And once you get settled, our first outing will be "hobby lobby!"

Proudfeet said...

Salt Lake isn't so bad Caitlin! I am sure your families are thrilled you will be so close! Trials do some in every form, I know through my own I have grown, and I am sure the perfect opportunity is waiting to be found! Good luck with your move!
Leah

Kimberley said...

Caitlin, thank you for your thoughts, you are so sweet and so spot on reality. We have been thinking about you and like you said, things will work out- In their own way and own time, and you will have all that you have learned to take with you! We wish you the best and look forward to brighter news soon! Take care~

emily said...

Caitlin....I agree, things have a funny way of working out. Sometimes it's just hard to see when you're right in the middle of it. Good luck with your move and keep enjoying your sweet baby boy.

di said...

dearest caitlin, i'm thinking of you. give dan our best in his job search - there are new adventures waiting for you! :)

drage said...

I stumbled onto your blog, I knew Dan in high school, and I just read your last post about Dan losing his job, so sad. My husband works in a similar field in SLC, he may have a lead for Dan on a job, please email him if he is interested, tdrage@gmail.com, good luck!
McKenzie Rigby Drage

TnD said...

Thank you for being real. Life hurts sometimes and it is so easy to pretend that it doesn't to help others (and sometimes yourself) feel more comfortable with the pain. But just know that we are there with you. Knowing it hurts and is scary and knowing, that you will make your way out of this scary mess too. Good luck in Utah. I can't wait to find out what the silver lining is.

eyre blog said...

I loved reading this post and catching a little glimps of what you're going through. I am sorry and selfishly happy at the same time. Glad that it will be way more likely that we will get to see you guys again and more often! You are in our prayers.