my bags are packed, but I'm not ready to go

I've struggled for weeks now to know what to say and how to say it, and even as I'm typing I have a lump in my throat. This week was a sad week for us, it was our last week in San Diego. As many of you know, Dan was unexpectedly laid off from his job with Merrill Lynch a few weeks ago. It was quite a blow considering how much effort went in to our move here which we had anticipated and planned to be a long term thing, and now only lasted a few months. We were in San Diego just long enough to discover we really love it here, long enough to make it hard to leave. Needless to say life doesn't always go according to plan and although we've worked relentlessly the last few weeks in the job hunt, we find ourselves empty handed. We've had marvelous contacts and generous people who went to bat for us, but unless you've been living under the rock the last year, you know that the job market, especially in the financial world, is dismal these days. As much as we wanted to stay in California, I guess it wasn't meant to be. 

Of course we are sad, disappointed, frustrated, and scared. These feelings come naturally and easily in times and situations as these. It has been hard, and the future remains uncertain.

So now we are here at the crossroads, a crossroads that has come much to quickly and leads us ambivalently down a new path. We'll be headed back home to Utah tomorrow to live with our family until all this gets sorted out and Dan finds a new job-which will hopefully be soon. These last weeks have been perhaps the most emotionally challenging of my life. I've felt a nauseous all day today as the reality of all this really sunk in, yet I have continually reminded myself there are many situations we could be in that I wouldn't trade these current circumstances for. I keep telling myself, at least there is a solution to our problem, and once it comes-life will go on as usual and I won't have to live with the worry I now have day in and day out. Things could be worse, and I have so much to be grateful for.

These last few weeks have taught me so much about what is really important and have been an interesting opportunity to realize what I want for our family, and what we really need in life to be happy. At the end of the day the recipe for happiness is so simple, yet it eludes so many of us. I just want to take this opportunity to thank our families, friends old+new (who have been so amazing through all of this), and my Heavenly Father. We've already been blessed profoundly through this and I know someday I will look back and see how much we grew as a family because of this experience.

But right now is not someday. Right now is hard. Right now is filled with an aching heart, and moving boxes (not again)! Right now means giving up on a life we thought we were starting here. Right now means mourning a lost opportunity, and right now means preparing to move home. I'm trying not to let these sad moments sneak up on me, but in between the happiness that comes from a joyful new baby who is smiling and giggling at you constantly, having time to spend with the ones you love, and trying to enjoy the beach and beautiful San Diego as much as we can before we leave, the ugly moments often do. 

I tell you this not to elicit sympathy, or words of hope, but to share with you one of the most important things I have learned through all this; It is okay, when life is not perfect. In fact, most of life is not perfect, and it rarely turns out as you'd planned. I'm usually all to guilty of working hard to make sure everything is the the way it is supposed to be. But the truth is, this whole operation is far too much work, and makes it even harder when you find yourself in circumstances that weren't supposed to be, like we are in now. If you don't believe me, then read this. It's hard for me to let people in when I can't put on a happy face, but I'm learning that's okay, and sharing my worries make them easier to bear. I'm learning that I am never alone. 

So friends, family, and all you lurking in the anonymity of cyberspace, thanks for being there to help me take this scary next step, and taking it with me. Thanks for reminding me to remember this is just a small moment, and through experiences like this, we find out what is at the center of our self, and who we really are.